Theories about headaches

I had a really bad headache yesterday and ended up leaving work early. It started with a minor ache behind my right eye and gradually ramped up to a death wish. While it was ramping up, my brain considered and dismissed many theories for what caused it and how I could fix it. None of which are based in science or even personal experience. They’re based on whatever fleeting idea passed through my head and the fact that my natural common sense was not functioning properly in my weakened condition.

1. I need to eat. The fact that I ate an hour before the death wish reached epic proportions is completely irrelevant. The only relevant thing was what I was going to shove in my pie hole. I became convinced I needed large quantities of food. Snack foods weren’t cutting it. Believe me, I tried. On my drive home I snagged a giant plate of nachos. Only the kind with sour cream, meat and lots of cheese have headache healing properties.

2. I drank too much Spark energy drink. I’ve been giving Spark a try in the morning on my drive to work. My theory being that Dr. Pepper is pure sugar destined to expand my waistline, coffee makes me want to puke and most mornings I could really use a little something something to get my day going. I became convinced I’d put too big a scoop in my cup that morning. It was clearly the caffeine roller coaster throwing me around.

3. Once I decided Spark doesn’t cause migraines, it reminded me that I’ve been drinking that instead of water in the morning. And then I became convinced I was in the late stages of acute dehydration. But last time I checked, I wasn’t snorting the Spark. I’m drinking it. In water. Obviously. I’m not a scientist but I feel like that water counts for something. Not to mention, why am I still peeing every hour on the hour if I’m dying of dehydration?

4. I need to wash my hair. I had planned to run that morning so I hadn’t washed my hair the night before. Then I didn’t run and the hair didn’t get washed. And then I became convinced that I had used too much conditioner two days before and that it was obviously bugging my head. I came to that conclusion after itching my head. The only possible solution became washing the hair to remove the offending conditioner remnants.

5. Hair related thoughts reminded me of a scratch on my scalp that I itched and the scab came off. It isn’t even the size of a dime. But I actually considered whether or not an infected scratch on my head could somehow cause the infection to be absorbed right into my brain and cause a migraine. Genius. It’s a wonder some medical school hasn’t snapped me up with this kind of forward thinking analysis.

6. I have some sort of jaw problem. That morning I’d woken up with a stiff jaw. It’s typically because I was grinding my teeth while I was asleep. I’ve mentioned it to my dentist and have a mouth guard. But mostly what I’ve learned from that is that my dentist only really cares about my teeth getting worn down. I guess I’m supposed to care about that, too. And I guess I do. Somewhat. Or at least somewhat in theory. But mostly what I care about is the discomfort from a stiff jaw. Because that sucks. So then I decided I should mention it to my doctor the next time I see her. But then I couldn’t figure out what they do for that because my complete lack of medical training says nothing short of a muscle relaxer is going to calm that jaw muscle down and I can’t figure out how that would work. Because muscle relaxer means home in bed not sitting at my desk at work or driving my kids to school. I was pretty confused by that point so I just left the question mark in my head and moved on with my life.

7. I had to sit in a weird chair at work the day before during a meeting. The chair is old as hell and nothing about it is ergonomic. I began strategizing how to avoid ever having to sit in weird chairs at work ever again. At one point, I began considering how I could roll the chair from my desk to meetings with me. You know, like a complete loser. I just couldn’t quite figure out how you enter a room with any kind of professionalism, when you have officially become the girl that brings her own chair. Because you know you don’t just roll that thing in on the down low. You roll that thing in bumping into the doorframe and knocking the chair into other chairs getting it to an open spot. And you know for a fact you have at least one helpful coworker that’s going to do you a solid and drawing attention to it by asking why you brought a chair with you. Luckily, I lost interest in this plan when the pain reliever started working and I felt good enough to turn on the television and got distracted by Sex and the City reruns.

8. I’m obviously coming down with the plague. I cleared my throat like twice and then I remembered every person I’ve come in contact with in the last week that mentioned having been sick recently or feeling like they were getting sick. I became convinced I was coming down with something and barely kept myself from freaking out about how it would affect my upcoming marathon.

9. I’m tired. This one is legit. I do tend to get headaches when I’m exhausted so really exhausted could logically translate to really bad headache. Except I slept pretty well. But still.

10. There’s no rhyme or reason to anything. Some days you just gotta go home and curl up in bed and try again tomorrow.